Friday, October 16, 2009

Step One

When Daddy-O told me he was moving on with his life, I was understandably upset. I looked to the internet for advice as I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about it. I knew I didn't want to be bitter, not because I was protecting him, but because hate and bitterness are too heavy to carry around. I don't have that kind of strength.

I found an article that lays out six steps to surviving divorce. I looked at the list and thought to myself, I don't have time for this. I didn't want to spend the next however many months of my life experiencing divorce. It's not the way I planned my life. I deserve better. I turned off the computer and decided to handle things my way.

I am now a month into the healing process and I have realized even though I am doing things my own way, I am still following the first of the steps I read about. It brings me comfort to know that even now, as I am feeling so much hurt and anger, after only five more steps, I will come out of this a happier, stronger person.

According to the article,the first step of healing is acceptance. I think for myself this will be the hardest phase. How do I accept after twenty some years the man that I love and trusted has allowed this to happen? I believed him when he told me he would be with me forever. I believed when he said he loved me and could never love another. I believed he respected and honored our marriage as I did. I believed he would always protect our family from anything that threatened it. None of it was true. What do I believe in now?

I can't believe in myself. Not yet. I feel stupid for putting my trust into him. I feel anger I couldn't see the reality of my marriage, even though it was right before my eyes. I feel disgust at myself for believing in happy endings.

A month ago I thought I didn't have the kind of time it takes to survive a divorce. Today, I realize time is the only weapon I have against the agony of saying goodbye to my previous life and starting my new one.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a great first step. Wish there was a way to make the pain, hurt and distrust go away. But 'time' is truly the great healer!