Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Warning. Whining Ahead

Last night, my sister in law asked me and the exchange students if we ever get homesick. The boys both answered no, and I said "Yes. Every single day." It's not the answer I think she was looking for and I felt guilty admitting it, but it's the truth.

Living here is great if you're young. The kitchen is stocked with more food than a supermarket. We are pampered and treated movies and dinners. There are few chores and there are lots of perks. It's wonderful.

PhotobucketIt's wonderful unless you're missing home like I am. I was a wife. I cooked, cleaned and cared for my family and I lived for it. I was put on this earth to be married. Living here is a comfortable refuge, but I hope it's not permanent.

If I had a genie I would wish to go home and for everything to go back to how it was. I'm just being honest. I miss Daddy-O. I miss being his wife. Every night I pray he will wake me up and tell me it's all a bad dream.

I long to have warm chocolate chip cookies waiting for him to come home. I have new recipes I think he'd like saved in a file on my computer. I find myself wanting to share a joke, or a song I heard on the radio with him.

I want to mop my kitchen and make the beds. I wish I could do our laundry and iron his clothes. I even wish I could go with him to visit his parents. I want it back. All of it.

I am unsure what my reality is. I have a struggle within me to fight for my life. I deserve it back. But I also think maybe I should hold my head up high and move on. The advice of my head conflicts with the advice of my heart. Who is right? What is the right path?

It's obvious I'm not healing as I should. I am still hanging on not only to my old life but to him. How do I let go? If I let go it means I have to face reality and reality scares me. I don't want to start over. It's not what I signed up for. When I agreed to forever on my wedding day, I meant it with my whole heart.

It's time to stop lying to myself. It's over. My life as I knew it is over. It's time to accept it and move forward, one day at a time. I wish it was that easy.

Now, will you please excuse me while I take a hot shower then cry myself to sleep?

No comments: