Friday, April 16, 2010

I Am Like Stinky Water


About fifteen years ago, my family spent an autumn afternoon at Zion National Park with my Aunt and Uncle. We took a picnic, and after lunch, my aunt and I spent the afternoon visiting outside the lodge while all the guys went hiking. It was a pleasant day with sweet memories.

As we were leaving that evening, Gus, who was about five at the time, noticed a big rock in front of the Lodge. This rock had little pockets of water sitting in it. Gus being the curious boy he was, reached into one of those pockets of water to see if a frog or something was hidden there. The thing was, the water was stagnant and it stunk to high heavens. It was awful. I still remember that smell! Even after washing his hands thoroughly with soap and water, there was still a trace of it.

I was thinking about that stinky water today. I thought of my sweet baby boy, who is grown now. The time went so quickly! I thought about the water, and how it got there. I imagine a soft rainfall filling up that rock. When it first fell, it was fresh and nourishing. But as it sat there, not moving and not serving its purpose, it became nasty and offensive.

I feel like that water. I have so much in me I want to share. I want to grow and be a part of something. Instead, I sit like the rain water and waste my purpose. Nothing bad is happening to me, but nothing good is happening either.

There have been two other times in my adult life I felt this way. The first, was about the same time Gus discovered the water. I was the mom of two small boys and I felt as if I was only good to watch my kids, clean the house and fix meals. I did the same thing over and over and over. I may have shared this before, but I remember going into the garage one afternoon and screaming at God. I screamed, asking for meaning to my life. I wanted purpose. I needed more than the boring routine I found myself in.

Less than a week later, I found I had a brain tumor and would need surgery. I believe it was the answer to my 'prayer'. I learned to never speak to God like that, and I never did again because I also learned you get what you ask for.

The second time I felt like this was almost a year and a half ago. I was feeling depressed and I couldn't find joy in any of the things I used to find joy in. I wrote about it on this blog and I begged for something to brighten my life. I suggested a surprise package in the mail, or for an old friend to stop by. I just needed something simple to jump start me.  My sweet husband read that and sent me a surprise package in the mail. I was delighted. Then, a month later I learned my marriage was in trouble and we never recovered.  I often wonder if it was coincidence, or if I made God angry again.

I am probably a fool, but once again I want to say to the universe, I need something. I don't need a challenge, mind you. I have plenty of those at the moment. I need some good news, or a nice surprise. I need to feel alive again. I need to feel confident and independent. I need to feel as if I'm serving my purpose.

If that's too much to ask, a surprise gift in the mail would be good. I would even settle for a visit with an old friend. But, I honestly need something.

No comments: