Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Ziggy Made Me Do It

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Sometimes I struggle to know what to write. I know my friends, family and other people who really matter to me read what I post. I'm glad they're here as it makes me feel loved. But it also makes it hard at times to be completely honest. I don't want to hurt anyone. More importantly, I don't want to admit some intimate truths about myself to them. It's like standing naked in front of them. For some reason, it's easier to think about being naked in front of strangers than being naked in front of those I love.

Two nights ago I wrote about the good that has come from my divorce. I tried to explain how I was feeling about my religion and the role it played in my marriage. I think I might have even said I felt my divorce was necessary to learn what I've learned. The worst thing I said was, I am to blame for my marriage ending.

I was trying to be positive. When I was in junior high, the cartoon Ziggy was popular. I remember seeing a greeting card starring Ziggy himself and on the front was this quote, "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."  I realize Ziggy did not write that quote, and I don't even know if it's how the original reads, but for some reason it stuck with me.

When I was typing the other night, I was feeling horrible. My heart hurt and I was feeling frustrated about my life. But I couldn't say that! If I did, I fear I would be crying alone and I need you. I need the reassurance I'm not alone. I need the support. So I tried to write what I was feeling but make it positive instead of negative. It didn't read entirely honest and I want to correct it.

The truth is, I do not believe my divorce needed to happen and I am not grateful it did. But I do believe I have found the good in it.  I have learned to accept what I did wrong in the marriage to contribute to it's failure. I want to learn from my mistakes because I do not want to to ever repeat them. For that, I am grateful.

I did not cause my marriage to fail all on my own. There were two people involved. I let Daddy-O down. He also let me down. He hurt me too. But, that's all I want to say about that. I just hope someday, Daddy-O and I can have an honest talk about everything that happened. I have questions and I'm sure he does too.

I am not sure how to move forward with this little blog of mine. I don't have a home to try new recipes or make fun crafts to share. I don't have a fancy camera or photography skills to entertain you with. It's just me, living in a borrowed bedroom in a teeny tiny town I don't feel at home in.  I am trying desperately to build a new life that made me as happy as my old one did.  I want to be positive but many days I just don't feel like it.

But I do know one thing. I have to be honest. I cannot go on pretending everything is okay. I probably wasn't fooling you anyway.

1 comment:

mistie said...

I kept a Ziggy cartoon, cut from the Sunday Funnies, on my fridge for years. It showed our little friend Ziggy following a road that kept getting detoured. There were zigs and there were zags. There were bumps. But, he still made it to his destination! He taught me the lessons are in the tough parts. (I'm gonna go and look for that folded up comic. I just don't think I would throw it away!)