Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Not Again!

I expected this morning to be hard. I also expected I would cry and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes after PJ left me to go spend some time with his dad. What I didn't expect was the excruciating heartache I experienced because he was with Daddy-O and I was not allowed to be there too.

PhotobucketI really thought I had accepted we weren't a family any longer. I thought I was stronger and had found myself again. I had no idea all this sadness, anger and helplessness still lived inside of me. I didn't know I still had so many tears. I could have filled buckets today.

But what really hurts, is knowing my boy was hurting too. I'm a mom. I'm supposed to be able to protect him. I am supposed to fix his favorite meals and spoil him with anything he wants when he comes home on leave. I not only failed as a wife. I have failed as a mom. At least, I feel like I have.

My son went to dinner with his grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins and his dad tonight. He enjoyed it for the most part and I was happy for him. But I feel like I'm outside, looking through the glass at my life. I wonder why no one notices I'm gone and how I could spend over twenty years with these people and no one misses me even a little.

It makes me wonder if everything I believe about myself isn't true at all. Is it a fault in me, that no one remembers me? Or is it a fault in them? Do I have any chance of healing from this? Will I find a new life to bring me joy, but more importantly, a life to make my boys feel at home?

Every time I write about my divorce and my life following it, I think about those of you who will be reading it. I sometimes imagine the eye rolling and boredom that is happening as this is being read. Maybe the words, "Not again!" are being uttered. I don't want to bore you and I don't mean to be repetitive, I just want to be real. My reality is, this divorce has made me question every single little thing about myself. I really wonder if I do anything right. Maybe not. All I know is Daddy-O is one of the most loving sweet people on earth and if he can't love me, then who can?

I really hope all these questions are normal. I suspect there aren't really answers to any of them. I admit, I do feel better about my life and about myself then I did almost eight months ago when I left my home. Who knows? Maybe one day soon I'll be writing an upbeat post that isn't about my personal struggle. Hey! It could happen!

2 comments:

Lin said...

Dont get down on yourself, everyone had their bad days & you're welcome to express the way you feel. You'll find someone who loves you for you again...dont worry :)

Anonymous said...

YTB!!!! Don't question it because some people aren't able to see it!

YTB!