Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Not Again!

I expected this morning to be hard. I also expected I would cry and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes after PJ left me to go spend some time with his dad. What I didn't expect was the excruciating heartache I experienced because he was with Daddy-O and I was not allowed to be there too.

PhotobucketI really thought I had accepted we weren't a family any longer. I thought I was stronger and had found myself again. I had no idea all this sadness, anger and helplessness still lived inside of me. I didn't know I still had so many tears. I could have filled buckets today.

But what really hurts, is knowing my boy was hurting too. I'm a mom. I'm supposed to be able to protect him. I am supposed to fix his favorite meals and spoil him with anything he wants when he comes home on leave. I not only failed as a wife. I have failed as a mom. At least, I feel like I have.

My son went to dinner with his grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins and his dad tonight. He enjoyed it for the most part and I was happy for him. But I feel like I'm outside, looking through the glass at my life. I wonder why no one notices I'm gone and how I could spend over twenty years with these people and no one misses me even a little.

It makes me wonder if everything I believe about myself isn't true at all. Is it a fault in me, that no one remembers me? Or is it a fault in them? Do I have any chance of healing from this? Will I find a new life to bring me joy, but more importantly, a life to make my boys feel at home?

Every time I write about my divorce and my life following it, I think about those of you who will be reading it. I sometimes imagine the eye rolling and boredom that is happening as this is being read. Maybe the words, "Not again!" are being uttered. I don't want to bore you and I don't mean to be repetitive, I just want to be real. My reality is, this divorce has made me question every single little thing about myself. I really wonder if I do anything right. Maybe not. All I know is Daddy-O is one of the most loving sweet people on earth and if he can't love me, then who can?

I really hope all these questions are normal. I suspect there aren't really answers to any of them. I admit, I do feel better about my life and about myself then I did almost eight months ago when I left my home. Who knows? Maybe one day soon I'll be writing an upbeat post that isn't about my personal struggle. Hey! It could happen!


Lin said...

Dont get down on yourself, everyone had their bad days & you're welcome to express the way you feel. You'll find someone who loves you for you again...dont worry :)

Anonymous said...

YTB!!!! Don't question it because some people aren't able to see it!