Sunday, June 6, 2010

Raw and Unedited

 I've always tried to be honest in everything I do. I don't play games and I don't tell lies. I never have. I had a tough week. I've received some bad news that's changing my current situation. I have some difficult decisions to make which will impact the person I've been for over twenty years. To say I am scared is a true understatement. 

I don't care to share the details here, but I want to be honest.  My journey as a divorced woman is only beginning. I am still struggling with acceptance of what happened. I know I could just delete this and keep it private. But I want to share my true feelings. What I've written is raw and unedited. I allowed myself to just type out my emotions without worrying about grammar or spelling. Maybe it will help you to understand what really goes on inside someone who acts normal and brave on the outside.

"I hurt. I hurt so much that I am actually envious of people in the obituaries! I want the hurt and the worry to go away. I want to find a place where I can feel happy again. I want to live. I want to share my life with someone. I want to be able to sit down to write for my blog, and share something joyous instead of depressing.

But my reality is not joyous. It is hard. It is sad and full of worry. It is scared to death. I am lonely. I never really understood what that meant until the day I left my home. It doesn't matter that I'm surrounded by people who love me, I am still alone.

I cannot imagine not feeling this way. I can't believe I will find happiness again. Heck, I'd even settle for feeling safe. Happy would be an unexpected bonus! I worry every day about how I am going to get the medical attention I need. How am I going to start the journey of being self sufficient? 

I need a job. I have no skills. I have health limitations. I have no clothes as I was a stay at home mom for so many years. I had no need for professional clothing. I don't have a dime to my name.  I need a job. I need to find a way to take care of myself.

I am sick of crying, but the tears won't stop. I can't sleep for the worries that race though my mind every night. I need someone to talk to. Someone I can trust, and be totally honest with, that won't make judgments or opinions of their own concerning my situation. I doubt such a person exists. I don't think I would feel bad if I died. At least it would all end.

Is this normal? It's been nine months since I left my home. I thought I was doing better. I thought I felt happier. But I realize, I was in denial. All that progress I made to heal, was fake. I am only at the beginning. I'm starting to feel angry. Finally.

When will this all end? Ever????"


Paula said...

It is scary and it is lonely. I know it sounds cliche' but time does heal. You are going to have terrible days and some not so bad. You will get your feet under you and you will go on. You're a woman and that's what we do.
Start slow. Maybe volunteer somewhere to get your foot in the door. It will also help pass the time and help you see that there are others out there worse off.
Go to a temp agency and start slowly there. You can buy a few clothes at a thrift shop even.
I can't tell you how much self confidence I gained with my first job after being a SAHM for 13 years. I feel as if I can do anything now. I am empowered, finally met my REAL soulmate and couldn't be happier.
Hang in there, this too shall pass.

ShEiLa said...

I can feel your pain through your words... the sadness is overwhelming. I am so sorry. As I read I tried to place myself in your shoes and I am sure that I would be as alone and sleepless. I think sometimes that denial is a means of self preservation... when the reality of life sets in it can be too much pain to handle all at once. I will be thinking about you... you are in my prayers.


ShEiLa said...


I thought if you visited Sheryl's blog The Perch it may help YOU. Maybe YOU could help each other.


Anonymous said...

Y.T.B! Hang in there!

Sheryl said...

sheila sent me over here. i'm glad she did.

there ARE people out there who will listen and not judge. keep looking. if you'd like to email, i'd be more than happy to share my own experience with you.

change is hard. divorce is excrutiating in its pain and the way it takes your breath away. i've read through many of your posts and can relate to much of what you say.

my relationship with Jesus Christ is what has gotten me through. that along with finding true friends to share with have kept me "somewhat" sane.

hope to hear from you.

mistie said...

Hey Jane,
Just wanted to tell you that I love you, my friend. I'm not exactly in your shoes, but have walked near your experiences. I'm here whenever you need a friend. Email me! :O)