Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day

Sometimes, when I try to fall asleep at night, I can't because my head fills up with memories of the last months of my marriage. I remember how much it hurt to not be able to say or do the right things to get us back on track. I remember the humiliation and the worry. Most of all I remember the fear and wondering what was going to happen to me and how would divorce affect my kids.

At first, every night used to be that way. Thankfully, it isn't happening as often as it used to. Last night however, the negative thoughts overcame me. First I cried for a while. Then, I got up, turned on the computer and wandered the internet mindlessly. It was very late before I was finally too tired to think anymore, and I could finally fall asleep.

I hesitate to write what is really happening in my life. I don't want to run readers off with my constant moans of divorce. Nor do I want to hurt my family by sharing the details of what happened. But I want to be honest. Building a life alone after twenty one years of marriage is a lengthy, painful and scary experience.

When I first left my home, I longed for a place online where I could read others divorce experiences. I was searching for someone who understood how I was feeling. I wanted hope. I wanted a glimpse into my future, so I could believe it was going to get better.

I found a couple new friends who were walking similar paths to my own. It brought me comfort to look at these strong, wonderful women and know just because this was happening to me, it didn't define me. I was still a good person with promise, not the rejected unworthy person I felt like.

All these months later, I feel better. I believe in my future. I know I have plenty to give and I know I am worthy of love. I try to focus on that. But sometimes, the excruciating pain of what happened to me will creep in. I give myself permission to mourn that life for a day. But only one. Tomorrow, I will put on a smile, and try to be as confident as I can muster.

I have to.  These two are depending on me.



Anonymous said...

I think you are doing great! Hope your boys are doing well also!


Paula said...

I went through my own divorce several years ago. It's hard and it hurts, no matter what the circumstances are that brought you to that place.
I found a counselor to talk to at our church. It helped me realize that the feelings I had, and the thoughts I was thinking were normal and that was a big deal to me.
Hang in there, time truly does heal, but it doesn't always come quickly.

ShEiLa said...

I am so glad you are making an effort to go on... to see that YOU have value. I try to put myself in your shoes... and I know I would be tempted to shrivel up in a corner.

Hugs to YOU today!