Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ch Ch Ch Changes


The time as come for my mom to move out of our family home, where she has lived for almost forty years. She is unable to keep up with the aging house and the large yard. It's draining her physically, emotionally as well as financially.

Sunday afternoon, my brother, myself and my sister Becky met with mom to talk about options. She was hoping to move into an apartment, as she wasn't ready to give up her independence.  But after looking over her finances and talking about all the different scenarios we could come up with, it was decided she would move in with my brother. I think it's the best choice for her. It will be a relief for all of us to not have to worry about her being alone in her house, and knowing she will be well cared for and loved at Gary's.

However, there is a problem. In order for my mom to move in, I will have to move out. I will be moving to the Salt Lake City area to live with Becky.  I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing.

I am excited about living by the mountains again. I love the cooler weather and the beautiful scenery of northern Utah. I love my sister and her family and enjoy being with them. I'm also excited to live in the city again.

Yet, I am struggling a bit too. Early next month, it will be a year since I had to leave my home. With this move to Becky's, I am moving even further from where my heart is. I will be further from where my boys want to be when they are home on leave. Just thinking about it all makes me feel alone and so sad, but I don't feel like I have much of a choice.

I wish I was in a situation to support myself so I could live where I want to live. Unfortunately, I'm not.  I was one of those foolish girls who never dreamed divorce would happen to me, so I didn't prepare. If I could go back and do it all again, I would never let myself be in this situation. But I can't go back. All I can do is move forward one day at a time.

I'm not positive when all this change will be happening, but I am guessing before Halloween. However, it could happen more quickly than that. I just don't know yet.  It won't take any time at all to pack up my things, as I don't have much. Preparing my heart will take the most time.  I just wish I could turn back time, and go home again. You'd think a year later, I'd be more accepting of what has happened, but I realize, I'm still living in denial.  I guess it's time to do something about that.

I know I've been neglectful of my blog lately, but I hope you'll understand if I miss updating now and then.  I just need a little time to sort through all these feelings. I also need to prepare for a move...and another shift in my life. 


ShEiLa said...

Miss Jane,

WE as Mother's do so much for our children... WE long to be a part of their lives.

I guarantee that your boys will come home (where ever you are) to see you.

Also think about it girl... a city. Not living 30-45-60 minutes from civilization. That is what I look forward to one day.

Changes are hard... but you are up to the challenge.


Lin said...

Sometimes change is good, even if we dont see it right away. I'm sure things will get better for you & everything will work out!