Monday, September 6, 2010

One Of These Things Just Doesn't Belong

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Did you guess which thing was not like the others?
Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong?
If you guessed this one is not like the others,
Then you're absolutely...right! 

Do you remember this song? It is from Sesame Street.  Four things were compared, three being the same and one being different. It was one of my favorite segments on the program when I was young because I always got it right. I felt so smart!

For the past year, this song has played through my head constantly. I don't enjoy it as much I used to because I am acutely aware that is me who doesn't belong. When sitting at the dinner table, I look around and see my brother, sister in law, their daughter and me. They belong. I don't. If I read blog posts about menu plans, family vacations or painting kitchen cupboards, again I don't belong.  When I have lunch with my friends, they talk about their homes, husbands and families. You get the point.

It was a year ago today my ex husband announced he didn't want to be married anymore. I left my home a few weeks later. It's been the most painful and lonely time of my life. When I first moved in here, I remember being up late one night on the computer. I was searching for words of wisdom on how to heal from the pain I was feeling. I found advice to take two years before trying to date or make any big changes. It was explained it would take that long to completely work through the feelings divorce would bring.  When I read that, I freaked out. It seemed like my life had already been on hold for so long! How could I stand the loneliness for another two years?

Every divorce and every person is different, so I'm not saying I think two years is a hard rule. But for me, a year into this, it's probably going to be about the right amount of time. I am feeling much more hopeful than I did this time last year. I am proud of the person I am becoming and I am also proud of how I've conducted myself since my marriage ended. But, I still need to let go of what was. I know, in reality, it's gone. But I believed so strongly in my marriage and I loved my life so deeply, that I am struggling to admit to myself it's gone.

In a few weeks, I will move to Salt Lake to live with my sister, Becky. At her dinner table I will see her, my brother in law and their son. I will still not belong.  But I'm starting to believe if I continue to live one day at a time, eventually I will find a new life where I will not only belong, but I will love it as deeply as I did my prior life.

1 comment:

ShEiLa said...

I thinking finding 'your place' in your new life will happen. Right now the whole empty nester thing bothers me. I was designed to be a Mother and now all my chick-a-dees have left the nest for their own nests and I am trying to figure out just where I belong.

I do remember the Sesame Street song... I loved that part too.

I wish and hope for the very best for you... that you find a perfect place where you feel you belong.

ToOdLeS.