Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wearing My Blue Colored Glasses

I'm having a blue day. Days like these aren't happening as often as they used to, but when they do come it's tough. I revert back to the devastated person I was when I left my home. I just want to curl up and hide, never having to face life again. Even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming. It becomes hard to imagine I have a place in this world.

I can't predict when days like this will happen. Sometimes a television commercial will spark a painful memory. Other times, I wake up sad, probably due to an unremembered dream. Sometimes, the feelings I try to keep pushed down inside, bubble up and spill out.

Even on the bad days, I can see I have grown. I have become stronger, and more independent. I am facing my fears and learning to overcome them. But the truth is, I am only doing so because I have to. The real me just wants to be like everyone else who is mindlessly living their lives, simply being themselves.

Because I am divorced I am forced to do things I don't want to do. I don't want to learn to support myself. I don't want to be without someone to love me and share my life with. I don't understand why I am not worthy of having what others so easily have.

I don't think there are answers to my feelings. I have to just accept what life has given me. I am grateful it didn't hand me something worse because I know I couldn't overcome it. I'm having a hard enough time as it is.

1 comment:

Lin said...

You'd be surprised at how much you think you can't handle but do because it's the only way to survive. I'm sorry you're having a crappy day but it'll pass & you'll feel like yourself again.

Also, just remember that just because the grass looks greener on the side doesn't mean it is :)