Tuesday, May 31, 2011

TheTruth

I still cry myself to sleep. Not every night, but sometimes. I still carry an ache in my heart. It won't go away. I still can't believe this happened to me. I have a reoccurring dream about the last months at home...I relive those painful months and the moment it was over. I don't dream it as often, but when it comes, it's just as horrifying. I still wonder if there was anything I could have done to save my marriage. My life, really.

I miss the security of having someone by my side. It's been too long since I've been hugged. Or kissed. I miss our home...our life. I miss my kids...my family. I wish it would never have happened. I'm surrounded by people who love me, yet I feel lonely. I am blessed with all the comforts a person needs, yet I feel homeless.

I know I have to let it go. It needs to fade into the past. I'm trying but I don't know how. I vowed to love him 'for time and all eternity'. It's a mighty bond to break. I am stronger...in many ways. Yet, just as weak in others. I put on a brave smile, while my heart is heavy. I try to do what is expected of me, but I'm a fake. It's been almost two years since my marriage ended, not legally but physically. I hurt as much today as I did the day I left.  Time hasn't healed anything. Why?

2 comments:

Lin said...

I'm sorry sweets. I cant imagine it being easy, now or 2yrs ago. Unfortunately heartache doesnt heal as quickly as a bone, it sticks around for a lot longer. I hate to say it but...this will pass & it will get easier at some point.

Keep your head up & dont ever feel bad about crying, its a great way to help the heart heal.

Kattrina said...

I think a pain like that will never fully go away. However, when my life takes a horrible turn for the worst, I try and think that it must have happened for a reason and that there is something better up ahead. And I've never been disappointed, although I've sometimes had to tough it out for a long time. So keep the faith and live your life for YOU. You are special and wonderful and deserve your own happiness, not happiness that is dependent on someone else. It takes time but I will keep sending you positive vibes and hoping for the best!