Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Part Four: The End

I didn't see a lot of Gus while he was home. He stayed out of sight, mostly. I knew he was with friends and doing okay, under the circumstance. But I was angry. This was his time to shine...his time to be so proud and for everyone to be proud of him. It didn't work out that way and it hurt. Both of us.

For the rest of the time he had off, I stayed at home and forced a smile whenever he would come home. I answered any question he had as honestly as I could.

 I wondered if I had told the kids earlier, if we'd still be facing this divorce.

PJ called to check on us. I had to break the news to him too. It was so difficult to do. He was away in Greece, trying to focus on training and the last thing I wanted to do was tell him about his dad. He didn't take it well, though he pretended too. Again, I wondered if I had done the right thing.

I waited until Gus left to go back to the Marine Corps to start packing. Daddy-O continued to stay with his parents. Finally my sister, Becky and my brother, Gary came and helped me move out. I then went to live with Gary and my 'healing' began.

I've spent a lot of time looking back and wondering if I did the right things. Should I have told the kids? Should I have left sooner? How could I have prevented any of it? But you know, while I never think an affair has to happen and I don't believe it is part of a greater plan (or whatever), I did make a conscious effort to learn from it.  And, I am very proud of who I have become. I am confident, where I wasn't before and I am stronger. What I am most proud of, however, is that I am not angry.

I always believed, every single second, that Daddy-O and I would fix our lives and our marriage. I knew it in my heart. I didn't think it would take this long...but I always knew.

We have a lot of work to do. There are questions to ask, and there are adjustments to make. But, I have no doubt, in time, we'll be just fine.

I think a lot about 'her'. I ache for what she must be going through. I hope she's learned she can't steal the life she wants. She has to earn it, just like the rest of us do.  But I know it was real for her and it must hurt. I know her worry about the future, and the wondering what she could have done.

 I'm unhappy about what she did to all of us, but I truly hope she finds what she's looking for, and she does it in an honest way. Because my heart aches for the family that is next if she doesn't.


Kattrina said...

This is a great post Jane. I don't think there is ever a right/wrong time to tell children/others about a divorce. I'm sure you did what you thought was best and that is all you can do. There is no instruction manual nor no "best practices" for this type of thing so going with your heart is the best method.

I am glad to hear that you learned something and that you've become so much stronger from this experience. I remember that quote from Under the Tuscan Sun where she says that the worst thing about divorce is that it doesn't kill you. And as my mother used to always tell me, "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger". So congratulations on becoming a stronger, more confident woman and making the best of a tragic situation. You are truly a hero!

Lin said...

You have such a giant heart to be wishing 'her' the best. I know a lot of women would be cursing her for what she did & wishing her the worst. I'm glad you're not doing that because it goes to show just how much you've grown from this experience & what a stronger person you've become because of it. I wish you and your husband all the best in your time of healing & coming together.

paddocks said...

You have two wise friends with great advice on this post.I agree with both of them..You are amazing!