Sunday, July 8, 2012

Part Two

Here's the second part of my story...

Our youngest son just joined the Marine Corps so I had to keep this from him. I didn't want him to worry about me, or be angry with his father. I think he knew something was up, but like me, I don't think he imagined how bad it was.

Our oldest son was in the Marine Corps, preparing for a training trip to Greece. I didn't want to say anything to him either because I knew he'd make himself sick with worry from so far away. He had no idea anything was happening.

Daddy-O started leaving for 'work meetings' on occasional weekends.  We acted normal when our son was around, and fought about everything imaginable when he wasn't. I tried everything...I was the perfect wife...I tended to his every need...I reminded him of wonderful times...I brought the kids up...every little thing I could think of to sway him back my way.

Eventually, I had to talk to someone. I chose my little sister, Becky and I confided everything to her. I remember telling her I felt like I was fighting Satan himself because the more I fought the worse it seemed to get. I started to realize, both through talking to her and to Daddy-O, it wasn't just him I was disputing. He seemed irritable and anxious and it was coming from somewhere external. I wondered if she was to blame. Or, if it was guilt. 

We went months like this. We were putting on a show for our son, while barely speaking in private. Even through all this, I still knew it would work out... I knew it in my gut...So I kept doing what I was doing. I had to do something. 

One afternoon, after a horrible fight, Daddy-O left the house, and I was home alone. The phone rang, and I answered, not recognizing the number. It was our oldest son. I guess I didn't do a good job masking my voice because he immediately knew something was wrong. I've never been able to lie to him, so I told him everything, but the affair. I assured him it would work out, it was just difficult at the moment. He was apprehensive but trusted me.

Soon, we saw our youngest son off to boot camp. I remember being alone just after he left, crying my eyes out. I was terrified to send him to the drill instructors, but also to be home alone with his dad. It had already been six months. What if I couldn't pull him back?

The next weeks were horrible. I started to feel jumpy because each time Daddy-O was walking out of my sight, he was checking his phone. I could hear him texting from across the house. He would go for rides to "calm down", but I knew he was calling her. Her presence was everywhere and it was getting stronger.

Finally, he asked me to leave for a while. He felt like he needed some time to think and to be alone. Reluctantly, I packed up and left. I drove to my sisters. She and her family were leaving on vacation so I could have the house to myself. I wouldn't have to pretend everything was okay, and that sounded good to me.

My birthday was the day before I left. We seemed to call a truce, as he took the day off to be with me. He bought lunch and took me up the canyon for a picnic. It was always one of my favorite things to do. Afterwards we went to see UP! and then finished with dinner out. He was sweet and attentive. It was like old times. 

One horrible thing happened that day though. I realized much of the town knew what was happening. Daddy-O wasn't hiding it like I was, and he was blaming me and telling everyone he knew. They all heard how horrible I was. I don't know what they believed, or what they thought but I had to keep my head up because I knew the truth of what happened in our marriage. That had to stay my focus, no matter how embarrassed or angry I was.

I traveled to my sister's home the next day. I spent a lot of time on the phone with Daddy-O while I was there. He was mixed between sweet and abrasive. Sometimes, I believed he knew what he was doing was wrong and others he still blamed me for everything.  He confided that his girlfriend just bought her wedding dress and that seemed to frighten him. (It made me angry! It still does!) He admitted what he was doing wasn't right but he didn't know what he was going to do.

I knew he wanted me to find a job, and stay there forever. It would have made things easier for him. But after a week, I had had enough, and I was ready to go home. So I got in the car, and drove home without telling him. I was scared what I would find but I had to go.

I didn't find anything but a still confused and angry husband. I don't think he was excited to see me. I didn't care.

To be continued in the next post. I do need to mention, as I forgot earlier, that the girlfriend moved four hours away just before I found out about her. So she wasn't living in the same town as we were. That's why I wasn't sure if I'd find her in my house or not when I came home from Becky's. I didn't think she had come down to stay there, but I wasn't sure.

1 comment:

Kattrina said...

Thank you so much for sharing all this. I'm sure you felt like you were totally alone when this happened but it happens to so many people. I am glad you decided to share and hope everything works out for the best. Don't forget that you're special and amazing!