Thursday, July 5, 2012

The Beginning...Of the End

I realize it's been forever since I've updated my blog. I also realize I promised I was back, and then I disappeared. What I didn't know is how much my life was about to change at the very time I wrote all that stuff. It's amazing how you find something when you're not looking for it.

I have so much to tell you!  I think I need to write all of this in order so I don't confuse you, or me. But first I'll say, I am working things out with Daddy-O and we are putting our family back together. I am filled to the brim with joy! However, I don't want to talk about this yet. I'll give you more details later. I just had to give a peek at the ending first. I'm nice like that.

Way back, when I left my home and my marriage I searched and searched for someone online, who understood what I was going through. I needed to read someone else's experiences and know I was not alone. I needed strength through someone who had survived divorce to know I was going to be okay.

I found what I needed in a few blogs and I cannot tell you how much it helped me. I read and reread them as I faced each day and tried to heal. I am forever grateful for the few who shared their experiences and stories...I know it wasn't easy.

I stayed silent on what happened to my own marriage because I didn't want to hurt anyone. I still don't. But I've spent a lot of time thinking, and I have decided to share it all just in case someone else is searching. I want them to know they're not alone. I do care and I do understand.

Before I start, I need to say I am writing this all according to my own experiences. Daddy-O might tell a different story because of his own experience. I am also writing according to memory, so while I'm trying to write accurately, I could forget and leave something out. If this happens, I apologize.

I know I'm not really making sense, and I'm jumping all over the place but this is hard. I am about to open up and share the deepest, darkest moments of my life with strangers...and a few close friends and family. It's really the latter that scares me and has kept me from saying anything before. But the memory of how alone I felt and how much I needed true help that is driving me to share. So here goes.

I used to watch movies, or television programs when a character was divorced or divorcing and I felt bad for them, but I didn't truly understand the pain involved. I no longer feel that way. Under The Tuscan Sun is one of my favorite movies. I love the strength Frances has to dare buy a home and start a new life in foreign Italy. But it wasn't until I found myself alone and sharing so many of her feelings, that I truly understood what the movie meant.

I always took for granted I had a rock solid marriage. We were married in the (LDS) temple, for time and eternity after all. I thought he believed the same I did so there wasn't anything we couldn't get through.
We'd already battled and won many a crisis...from our home builder stealing our building loan and running away with it, to a brain tumor destroying my pituitary gland. That's not to mention the strain of children and our families and finances. I thought we were strong. But the truth is, all the pressure was killing my husband...he just wasn't saying anything. And, I was slowly closing up and becoming an angry person.

It all started the day before Thanksgiving 2008. I got a phone call from Daddy-O who was working. He was cryptic in the call as he babbled about everything bothering him. I remember at one point asking him if he didn't want to be married to me anymore...he answered, he didn't know. When the call ended, I foolishly thought we'd get through this okay, just like we always did.

I thought it would be over quick and easy, but it wasn't. For weeks there was a strain between us. I didn't bring up the call but tried to be extra considerate of anything Daddy-O wanted. I tried to be happy and I tried to do everything right. I kept the house cleaned, and I made extra good meals. I just wanted it all to go back to how it was.

But, it didn't.

Three weeks after the phone call, Daddy-O was in the shower, and I decided to take a peek at his phone. I never did that because I've always trusted him, but I was feeling insecure and desperate. You can probably guess, that's when I found it. I saw a message from 'her' telling him she'd made it to her brother's home safely. It was signed "love you. xoxo".

I knew that message was more than casual and I remember sitting on the edge of the bed trying to decide what to do about it. I ran to the bathroom, opened the shower and asked him if he was cheating on me. I knew the answer by the look on his face. He said he would be out in a minute and we could talk about it. So I left the bathroom, fell on the bed and tried to figure out how to handle this. In the meantime, he came out of the bathroom but didn't say anything. At all.

I was sure then I had a big problem and I decided I would keep it to myself. I wouldn't tell my kids or say anything to friends or family. I still believed Daddy-O would realize his mistake and what he had in our family and would dump "her" to fix everything with us. I didn't want him to be embarrassed because anyone knew, but I also wanted to make it as easy as I could for him to come back to our marriage.

I want to keep sharing but there is so much more to this story that I'll have to break it into a few posts. I'll be back as soon as I can with part two.


Anonymous said...


Lin said...

I'm not even living this & there are so many emotions going on in my head...confused, excited, happy...all of it. For as long as I've read your blog I've always wondered what went down w/you two. It's nice to finally get the story. I'm beyond happy for you & the fact that things are working out for you. You deserve all the best hon.

Ryan and Mistie said...

Love you Jane!