Sunday, July 14, 2013

I Give Up. The End.

I have decided this will be my last post of this blog. I am just too tired and life keeps hitting me, making it difficult to write anymore. I give up. I had a CT Scan last month, and with it they found a 'mass' on my pancreas. I spent a terrified week waiting to talk to my doctor to hear the details but finally learned it's not acting cancerous. I also had blood work done to verify this. It doesn't matter. I'm terrified anyway. I have had two horrible, life changing surgeries on my brain but they didn't scare me so much because I trust my surgeon completely. I have been horrified thinking about trusting my life to a surgeon I don't know anything about. Finally, I was referred to a surgeon in Salt Lake City. I was referred by someone I truly trust so I felt apprehensive, but better. I traveled with Lanie up north. On Monday, I had a biopsy at LDS hospital. Before going in, I was told of all the problems that could occur, but probably wouldn't. I didn't care. I just needed to get this over with. Afterwards, I was still loopy from the meds used to make me sleep, so Lanie took me back to where we were staying and I immediately fell asleep. I slept for four to five hours then woke up in extreme pain. My entire torso hurt. I cannot find the correct word to describe how much it hurt, but I'll tell you this, labor and giving birth didn't hurt as much. Anyway, to make a long story short, I was very impressed with the surgeon. I feel more comfortable now. My surgery is August 15. He also prescribed medication to deal with what turned out to be pancreatitis. He said the doctor who performed the biopsy thinks the mass is low grade cancer, meaning when it is removed entirely, the cancer will be gone. But the surgeon believes it is benign. I had more blood work done and honestly, I know it's related to the rest of my tumors and I'm not worried. I don't grow cancerous tumors. Besides, I have enough to worry about. I'd like to say I'll be back to write after surgery, but I won't. I am done. I feel like I need let this go. Maybe, sometime in the future I'll start a new blog and begin a new life. Maybe not. I'll just have to wait and see. All I know is I honestly cannot take anymore. I have had knock after knock after knock and I'm tired. I just need it to stop. At least for a while. Until it does, and I can feel truly happy again, I'm going to deal with this tumor and nothing else. I am tired of trying. I am truly worn out. Thank you so much for every friend I've made through this blog. You can't know how much you each mean to me. I will still follow your blogs and try to keep in touch that way. I've truly loved being a part of this big blog world. I love you guys.

1 comment:

Kattrina said...

I will miss you! Hope everything turns out alright and stay positive!